Laura Catron ‘17: Prom season is finally among us, and with it comes the all-important promposal. Such an enormous task can be daunting, so allow me to guide the male population as to the right way to ask a female to prom. (And it should always be the male asking, even if he’s an underclassman or goes to a different school; obviously it would be improper for the female to ask. What is this, the twenty-first century?)

First and foremost, males need to remember that prom is the biggest night of every female’s life. It holds more importance than all of her birthdays combined, her wedding, and the birth of the children she will inevitably have. A bigger occasion than prom shall never exist. Therefore, the promposal should reflect this.

Hopefully, males have been saving money since birth in order to adequately prepare for their promposal. Ideally, a proper promposal takes roughly half of one’s life savings; the other half obviously goes towards the night of the dance itself. If the male foolishly does not possess such funds, then he can take out a loan from the bank; hopefully he can pay it back before he dies.

Every promposal needs to be different and unique. Each male absolutely must create their female’s dream promposal, and go above and beyond her expectations. However, the male can never ask the female what she wants, as this could spoil the surprise. He simply must know. Commonly, the information is delivered to him via dream, prophecy, her Twitter, or messenger angel. If this knowledge never comes to him, then consider all hope for a successful promposal lost.

Now, some say that such effort isn’t necessary, and that promposals of this nature are gaudy, tacky, or “extra.” Disregard these amateur opinions. It’s only their jealousy talking. Often these people are the same ones who think it appropriate to simply ask their date. Over text, even. I can hardly bear to consider it, honestly.

To summarize, if the female desires a hot air balloon, tickets for a European cruise, an elephant, and an original album comprised totally of songs about the color of her eyes, then it is the male’s job to deliver it to her, complete with a bow on top.

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